Tag Archives: random

I see…

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I’m sitting here in a cafe and I’m fascinated by the things I see.

I see a beautiful woman with dreadlocks, brown sweater, and a hoop through her nose.

I see a comfy chair made out of burlap sacks.

I see a man with three coffee drinks in front of him.

I see a man wearing a jacket that’s too short.

I see a man wearing socks with sandals.

I see Don Cheadle

I see a window filled with pastries of the most delicious kind.

I see mocha pots suspended from the ceiling.

I see nine iPhones.

I see a booger suspended from a woman’s nose only a few feet away.

I see biscotti.

I see a lambswool vest.

I see a man with feet as big as my chest…no joke.

I see beards.

I see plaid.

I see a blog post that is slightly random, potentially boring, and partially filled with half-truths. (if you also see this please keep it to yourself!)

Surprise! A few stories I never thought would be in my past

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I just never thought that I’d be able to claim these things as experiences that are a part of my past. Life brings surprises doesn’t it? Hmm…a few stories…

  • After ripping one out, for thirty minutes I sat there with my wife and our twenty-eight year old female nurse as she drained my bladder via a newly inserted temporary catheter. We sat there as she held me gently and talked about our kids and the weather. Later that night we all played cards together. I just never thought that, number one, I’d have five catheters ripped in and out, and number two, that I’d be playing games with the woman who did it! Awkward? No, not really.
  • On the same topic…I just never thought that I’d ever walk around with a bag of urine strapped to my leg…in shorts…the worst was when I was doing rehab therapy and had to lay down and do leg lifts. Lets just say that those bags don’t have any kind of valve to keep the fluid from going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Gross.
  • I never thought I’d have to re-learn so many simple things. At different points I’ve had to learn how to re-put on my clothes/shoes, re-learn to drive, I hope to re-learn to ride a bike, obviously re-learn to walk, and eventually re-learn to run among other things. There are so many things I took for granted! Who’d of thought?!
  • I never thought I’d have to inspect my feet like I have leprosy. Just a few weeks ago I got an infection on my middle toe. Mostly it was due to me not realizing that there was a sore that needed attention…because I couldn’t feel it. Similarly I never thought that buying new shoes would be so difficult! I can’t really tell if they fit, if they’re smashing my toes, etc. Strange.
  • I never thought that my four year old daughter would be a faster runner than me. My kids keep inviting me to race…I think they like that they keep genuinely winning!
  • I never thought that X-Men would bring me to tears.
  • Pit swelling. I never thought that I’d suffer from armpit swelling. Yes, it’s a thing. It’s when you gain water weight in your armpits because of those lovely and terrible steroids. Ever suffer from excessive pit fat? I do.
  • My friends call me Tony the Tiger because I’m covered in flakes. No joke (yes it was). Due to my meds (I hope it’s the meds!) my body is a peeling mess. From my feet to my head my skin scales off like a lizard. Its gross. I’m gross. And, yes, that just happened (referring to lame Tony the Tiger joke)
  • I don’t want to get gross on you here (the catheter stuff wasn’t too gross was it?) and I won’t turn it into a story…but lets just say that for three weeks of my life I’d head into the bathroom with a plunger, baby wipes, and latex gloves. It was a difficult time for me, and one that I’d like to forget.
Oh the stories, oh the things I just never anticipated, oh how I didn’t get into some of the more grotesquely awesome stuff! (you’re welcome)

Old and Young…we all bleed

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Jess’ grandpa and I have a lot in common. You wouldn’t think it at first. He’s a retired mechanic who lives in the high desert of California. He enjoys fishing, he’s crass, and he’s got a cool glass eye…I don’t posses many of those attributes.

But we do have lots in common and last night it was funny to talk about.

“How much Coumadin you takin’ these days? Oh, wow, that’s quite a bit! And they’ve got you taking Asprin too? Yeah, I’m down to 5mg a day but I’ll still bleed like a mother if you cut me! I used to take more but as my steroids get lower so does my need for it. You too eh? Yeah those ‘roids will mess you up.”

We talked about our blood thinners, about being on steroids, about putting on water weight, and about our procedures* we’ve each had done. We swapped stories about anesthesia, which pain killers we prefer, and getting our blood drawn all too often. Good doctors, bad doctors, new medicines, bad side affects…so much to talk about! So much in common!

On this level (and maybe only on this level) we understand each other, speak the same language, and have a common story. We’re living it out in opposite order–he never had a single health problem ’till he hit 65…then the flood gates opened. I, on the other hand, am getting all my procedures and medical issues out of the way early so that I can cruise once I hit 65 (that’s my plan right?). And here we are meeting in the middle.

It’s funny how all this works. Who’da thought that Papa BJ and I would ever have so much in common. Life’s funny like that.

 

* That’s what you call surgeries and such when you start to age.

Can you Handle This?

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the immortal words of Destiny’s Child

Can you handle this?

Can you handle this?

Can you handle this?

I don’t think they can handle this.

In the movie 50/50 that I blogged about recently the main character’s girlfriend cheats on him in the middle of his cancer treatments. She doesn’t just cheat on him but obviously fails to be a support to him in many ways. On NPR, speaking about the story behind the movie, the writer shared how the girl friend character represented all those who were unable to walk with him in his journey of fighting cancer.

This really resonated with me. I have had an amazing support system through all of this (and continue to be supported in amazing ways) but there has been loss. There’s been loss of relationship in different areas of my life and in many of those areas it’s come down to some unknown element of that person not being able to deal with the reality of what cancer brings. At first I was a bit hurt by it, I felt a bit abandoned by certain people who I thought would be present during the sickness because they were present before the sickness.

Today I feel much more compassion and understanding (I’m grateful to the movie for helping me to process some of this). While we’re each responsible for our own choices, there is an element of reality to the fact that some are just not fully equipped (for whatever reason) to deal with the harsh realities of a friend fighting cancer (one could probably fill in the blank with many different diseases or crisis’ here). We all have baggage and some of our baggage does not allow us to walk in certain places. Some people just can’t go there, it’s too intense, or too painful, or too…something. On the flip side, some of our baggage allows us to walk with people in places where very few others can go! We’ve had some of these people too! Surprising people, previously unknown people have stepped up in the midst of the last five months to care for us in ways that we never would have expected…and almost %100 of the time it’s because they’ve had experiences that allow them to go with us to some of these places.

I don’t want to blame people anymore for their lack of ability, for their lack of experiences, for their lack of whatever that has kept them from being close during all this. It’s not fruitful and it’s also causing me to wonder how it reflects on me! I know of people in my past that I’ve abandoned because it was easier to forget than to care…and I know there will be more in my future! I want to extend the same grace to others that I hope has and will be extended to me.

Regardless, I grieve the (temporary?) loss of some relationships along the way, but I’ve come to understand that it’s just another exhibit of our humanity playing itself out in real life. I don’t want to blame people for their brokenness as much as I would hope they wouldn’t blame me for mine. Destiny’s Child was right, some people just can’t handle this…my body’s too bootilicious…but then again, so is yours.

Take Time to be Silly

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“Do you have space in your life for being silly?”

That’s the question that my friend Chris asked me today. It wasn’t intended to be a silly question, he was very serious. Later Dwayne added in the observation that there’s something about “becoming” and adult that makes us want to leave our silly ways behind. Katie becomes Kate. Joey becomes Joe. Billy goes by Bill. Why? Because they’re all grown up, we’re adults now and have to act like it!

There are some who live their lives without an ounce of seriousness and live into their silly nature a little too much. But for most of us we are so incredibly busy, we are so consumed with our work, with responsibility, with being mature, with being an adult that we miss out on the joy and freedom of silliness. Being silly in and of itself can be understood as an act of dignity can’t it? Allowing others to live into their silliness is to allow them to let go, to experience a bit of freedom, and to…well…have a little fun. Some might argue that being silly is actually an undignified way to act, but I would suggest that if we truly respect ourselves and others we will be willing to honor that part of us that demands light heartedness and freedom. Some of us will live into our silliness easier than others and we’ll all define what it looks like differently. But maybe its worth it to take Jesus’ advice and not worry about tomorrow, maybe its worth it to trust that the existence of giraffes proves that silliness is built into our worlds identity. We can’t escape it. All we can do is fight against it or give in. Our culture tells us to fight against it because you’re all grown up: Jim’s don’t act silly! Jimmy’s all grown up and has got to be responsible…OR…Jim could slow down his hectic pace in life just enough to find space to laugh, chill, do something goofy, stop taking himself so seriously, stop stressing about every little thing in life, and go draw with some sidewalk chalk infront of his house. I’d suggest drawing a giraffe ’cause you know those things are just plain ol’ goofy lookin’.