Be a Ben–Really Bad Metaphor (part 3)

Today has been a glorious day…kind of. My gnarly ear infection, while rendering me rather deaf, has not caused the same pain that it was causing for the previous week. But even beyond the pain reprieve I was also blessed to spend some time with my sister and my bro-in-law Ben.

Ok, if I were to be totally honest, Ben is forcing me to write a blog about him. His self-esteem is quite precarious and I fear that if I do not write about him he might crumple in such a way that may be detrimental to my nieces and nephew’s health. So for the sake of the family I’m choosing to write about him. Remember, it’s for the kids.

Though, this does remind me of an important lesson that we should probably be made aware of. For a period of time I tried to make a series of quality metaphors that sought to transform not only the way we live but virtually everything about how we understand the world.

So with that in mind, here is today’s–Ben inspired–important metaphor:

Ben himself is a metaphor. Yes he’s human–but aren’t we all? Yes, he’s a man–but aren’t we all? No, literally we are not ALL men, but illustratively we are because we all want what all men want: satisfaction. And in this satisfaction we strive to become better men. Better humans. Better Bens. If we are able, if we achieve such a noble goal so to become better Ben’s then we’ll achieve something even more extraordinary–we’ll achieve ultimate manhood. Not a manhood as Braveheart might invite us to define it, but manhood as Ben would have us define it. Doing dishes, respecting our neighbors, eating strawberries, folding napkins, and even (if we’re lucky) downing a beer or two with friends while frolicking in the snow wearing nothing but our childhood snowbibs adorned with rainbows and old cigarette burn marks. So live, be free, frolic. Be a man, be alive, be a Ben. But don’t destroy what we’ve all been working for: equality. Equality between all peoples regardless of race, sex, ethnicity, language, nationality, economic status, place of birth, or citizenship. Equality. That’s what it means to be a Ben. That’s why today has been so wonderful– Ben invites me to a way of life marked by equality, manliness, and-above all-satisfaction. So be satisfied and drink of the sweet nectar known as Ben.

Glasses

$3.99. For $3.99 you too can look like a cool hipster church planter. They’ve done studies you know. Anyone. Literally anyone who puts on these glasses is instantly transformed into something wholly new–something wholly beautiful–something…well…something simply amazing.

Hipster?

Church planter?

Clark Kent?

Fred Armisten?

Trust me.

Feel free to borrow them. These glasses don’t belong to me. They’re too powerful to belong to just one person. No, these glasses belong to you, to me, to the community. They are we and we are us and we are all together…

(sorry for this post. Too much coffee this morning?)

An Epic Chortling War

There’s been a long standing debate in our home concerning who is funnier between the wife and I. You probably think that I’m joking (and understandably so considering that I’m pretty funny…maybe even the funnies person in my house), but I’m not…joking, that is.

Jess seems to think that she’s funnier than I. I seem to think that I’m funnier than she. Don’t get me wrong, Jess is incredibly funny. But lets be honest, I’ve been making people laugh since I nicknamed myself “Jokey” when I was three. Again, I don’t want to diminish my wife’s humor, nor do I want to discourage her from her continued attempts to make the world laugh…but have you been around me? I’m a riot! No seriously, I’m pretty sure that I’m pretty flippin’ funny…right?

Right?

Please tell me I’m right.

I need this right now.

I don’t know if you realize that I have cancer. Would you really look a guy in his virtual eyes who has cancer in his back and tell him he’s not the funniest in his own home? That’s like against the moral code isn’t it?

Right?

Please tell me I’m right.

Okay, okay, I get it! My wife is hilarious. It’s true. Go ahead and steal her phone, look at her text dialogs with people and you’ll see that she’s about the funniest person since Martin Short (bad example?). At night we often sit in bed and seriously laugh for like an hour straight….and it’s mostly because she’s so flippin’ funny. She literally caused me to chortle a few minutes ago. Chortle. Chortle! I chortled! My wife made me chortle and I’m not ashamed one bit!

I’d tell you about some of the funny things she says and does but if I did then it would most definitely seal the deal on the fact that she’s funnier than I. No, it would not seal the deal because you’d see how funny her jokes were but it’d seal the deal because no funny person ever repeats said jokes again (especially in this type of context). That would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in no way funny…something I’m not willing to accept…yet.

So I’d like to take this moment to honor my wife and to tell the world that Jessica Woods is the funniest woman I’ve ever met (I’ve never met Tina Fey). Not only is she incredibly gorgeous but she’s also the female version of Will Ferrell. And that’s no lie. In fact, it’s quite high praise.

Oh Sinister Prejudice…

It is interesting how innocently or easily prejudice can have a hold on you and the way you see the world. I’ve only just this morning realized that due to Lady and the Tramp I’ve had a dislike of siamese cats for most of my life.

Are they really as sneaky and sinister as I’ve always thought?!

Quite possibly not!

The reality is that I’ve been caught

–not caught smoking pot

(of which I do not

partake)

But caught up

like throw up

in this messed up

world.

Thanks Disney, I blame you.

 

Tattling in the Bible?

I’m sorry, but I’m just not a good enough Christian to be into this. There’s just something offensive to me when we work so hard to make sure that our kids understand their own depravity. I also find it offensive when the greatest story ever told is used instead as some kind of controllable tool to manipulate others behavior.

Don’t get me wrong I’m sure that the people who put this together (in addition to those who use this product) are good people with good intentions. We just see things very differently. They would be equally grossed out by many of my views on theology and childrearing and I’m comfortable to just ‘agree to disagree’.

And don’t get me wrong, using the aforementioned child raising tactics probably means that their children are more ‘appropriately’ behaved than mine–but isn’t it time that we stop defining “well behaved” as “you operate according to my rules when I want you to or else…” and instead think in terms of children learning to make good choices not out of fear of punishment (getting hit over the head with a Bible is definitely punishment) but out of experiences that validate the worth of a health and good choice? If a child makes a bad choice he shouldn’t fear getting lectured to death but should instead experience the consequence that fits that unhealthy decision.

And regardless of parenting preferences, do I really want my children growing up understanding the Bible as a tool used to make them feel bad? Because I should clarify that this blog isn’t (shouldn’t be) about parenting styles or preference in discipline, etc.. No, to me the greater offense is the way in which people are invited to wield the Bible. The Bible is the greatest love story ever told, it is a narrative that gives us a glimpse into God’s overtures of love to his created humanity! Wouldn’t you much rather your children understand the Bible as a grand love story than a rule book? Which one fits better with the life and words of Jesus? And isn’t the point that we want our children to live like, with, and for Jesus? We want them to learn what it means to die to self, to love their neighbor, to know that they are completely loved, to know that they are created perfectly in the image of God, and to know that God does indeed desire them to live free of destructive things such as deceit and laziness (but its not because they’re doing it wrong but because God cares for them and wants them to live free!!!)

While I am intrigued to read the scriptures associated with “tattling” I don’t think I’ll be buying this Bible. I think its important for my children to interact with the story of the Bible–but not this way. I want them to see the life that oozes and drips from its pages, I want them to see the whole of Scripture through the lens of Jesus (’cause he is the perfect image of God himself and therefore the best paradigm we have of understanding God’s activity both past and present), I want them to see the Bible as more than a set of quotable verse to be used to prove your point, and I want them to understand that the Bible’s not about being right but about showing love.

Being right can sometimes be wrong.