Video Blog: Moving Day

(lets try this again. I just posted this video blog and it was…well it was kind of blank…my apologies)

Well my leg just ain’t working very well anymore so we’ve decided that it’s finally time to move my bedroom downstairs. So all you kids that have enjoyed that playroom…sorry! It’s not a full move (yet) because the thought of mom and dad sleeping downstairs away from the kids is pretty terrifying for India and Jones. So for now the hope is that I will only have to go up those stairs once a night to tuck my kids in and go to bed myself. Eventually the hope will be to fully move to the main floor, but for now it’ll come in transitions.

We are also giving each of the kids their own “special” rooms as they have been sharing for their entire lives.

Lots of change

And Falcor. (that’s why you’ve got to watch the video blog)


The Truth About Catheterizing

I’m no expert. I’m not a urologist. I’m not a doctor of any kind actually. I have not been cathing for an extremely long time as some men I’ve met have been forced to do. But I am one of the few people who are foolish enough willing to talk openly and freely about the reality of what it means to self-catheterize multiple times a day with no end in sight. These are must my own personal observations, but they just might provide some courage for others who are put in this situation and they also will provide some measure of insight for others who may be voyeuristically interested. So here, without further adieu, are some of my own thoughts, struggles, opinions, and experiences with regard to all this mess of urination:

  • It’s ALMOST all mental— The pain and anguish associated with cathing is really and truly almost all mental. Up until the last week or two it still psyched my mind out to even think about doing the deed even though while actually catheterizing it was no longer that big of deal. In other words, the idea was and is always worse than the reality. It sounds terrible. It sounds terrifying. It sounds like the worst. But it’s not, it just really isn’t.
  • It’s NOT All Mental— Ok ok, while most of it is mental, it does hurt. I just feel like this piece doesn’t really need to be said. I feel like this piece is obvious and offers no new insight. It doesn’t feel good to stick about nine inches of tubing into ANY part of your body let alone something so private and protected. I don’t believe anything more here needs to be said, but it does belong on the list.
  • UTI’s Are No Fun— Bladder infections complicate everything. I believe that for a majority of the time I’ve been cathing (maybe all of it) I’ve had an infection. When the UTI is raging it makes cathing so so much worse (pretty much I’m referring to straight up pain and bleeding here). So do your best to keep as clean an environment as possible when cathing. Wash your hands lots when you’re getting ready to do it, wear gloves, sanitize, do whatever you’ve gotta do to be clean and to not allow extra bacteria to follow that tube down into the depths of your organs!
  • Know Your Tubing— There are different sized tubes, there are different types of tips to them, there are different levels of rigidness to the tubes, and there are tubes for different purposes. It’s valuable to know not only which kind you prefer but also what each type offers you. The smaller the tube the easier and less painful it is with the trade off being that it takes a whole lot longer to empty ’cause it comes out so much slower. The more rigid the tube the easier (I think) it is to push past the prostate (that’s the painful part) but it is, clearly, more rigid and thus a little more rough if you ask me. Anyway, you’ll learn which types you prefer OR you’ll live off samples like me learn to cath with whatever people give you! In the hospital, for example, they didn’t seem to know what they were doing so even after repeated correction they gave me a Foley catheter (the semi-permanent type that have deflated balloons spots at the end) that I eventually went ahead and used. It hurt a bit more. But I succeeded. Give me a lead pipe and I’m pretty sure I can figure it out.
  • Twist— A little tip: if you’re using a straight cath with no coude tip (a slightly upturned tip at the end) try twisting it while you insert it. It seems to work lots better. Just an idea.
  • Lidocaine is a Joke— Many people prefer to use numbing gel before cathing. And you can if you want…but…well, it only numbs the part that doesn’t really hurt at all. The most painful part is pushing past the prostate and ain’t no gel getting that deep in. If it makes you feel better emotionally…cool. But it doesn’t really do anything for you so I’d save your money for other things if I were you.
  • Relax— Part of what made it more painful early on (besides the raging UTI) was my stress level. My body would be tense and rigid, my breathing was intense and labored, and I did not have a relaxed demeanor whatsoever. Finding ways to relax your body is going to make it so much easier and less painful. Play some music, do some deep breathing, etc. do what you’ve got to do to chill and give your body a chance to play its part peacefully.
  • It’s All About Control— The reality is that self-catheterizing gives you control back. I don’t know what your context is (if you’re one of the people reading this and cathing) but for my situation the option to straight cath myself gave me back a measure of control when compared to having a more permanent bag strapped to my leg. As I’m learning to master this thing (and, no, I don’t think I have yet) I’m realizing that it’s giving me back a measure of control over my body and what I can or cannot do. This is a good thing (even if it is just an illusion) when due to sickness everything is feeling horribly out of control.
  • Catheterizing Robs Control— Ok, so to totally disagree with what I just said…this has been a really hard transition. Discovering that my bladder no longer worked was incredibly symbolic to me for how out of control my life/body had become. I no longer had anything to hold onto: I can’t even pee like a normal person anymore! What do I have left? Being forced into cathing really reminded me that I’ve got no control in my life left. I’m at the whims of my disease. This was a painful reality. Very painful. Very painful and very much something that deserves to be grieved. Not only is it ok to be incredibly sad if you have to cath regularly and for an unforeseen period of time but I think it’s ok to be mad about it too. This stuff sucks and it’s unnatural and it hurts and even if it’s manageable it’s not something you ever wanted to say that you had learned to manage! So, yes, you can do this AND yes, it sucks to have to do this.
  • Don’t Stop Moving— Another random and important tip: don’t ever stop moving. When you’re inserting the tube don’t stop inching forward. Ever. Even if you’re only moving ever so slightly, a millimeter at a time, don’t stop or hesitate for a second. ‘Cause it gets to a point where you question whether you should pause or back out and start again. Both are bad ideas. If you always inch forward then by the time you’ve thought through “should I stop or back out” you’ve most likely already past the small part that hurts bad and have entered into the spot that doesn’t hurt so bad. So trust me, don’t ever stop or pause. Just keep movin’.
  • Keep it at Home— If you’ve got the choice or if you can schedule it accordingly it is ALWAYS so much easier and better if you can do your business at home! Man does it get more difficult on the road! Regarding cleanliness and ease it is just so so so much better if you can keep it all in the house. Sometimes this isn’t a choice, but it’s definitely worth you thinking through your schedule (both your calendar and your urination routine) to see if you can be proactive in only cathing at home. Good luck!
  • Don’t Blog or Talk About it— ‘Cause that’s just gross. Keep potty talk around the potty please. I mean, seriously, who talks about this stuff in public? And who in their right mind talks about this stuff for the entire world and any stranger in it to read? Bad, bad, bad idea…and a little gross if you ask me (which you didn’t)

I’m sure there’s more to be said, more that should have been said, more that I could’ve said. There’s always more. My hope here wasn’t just to lose a few readers while popping up on a few new and strange Google searches. Instead my hope really was to bring some awareness to something that people just don’t talk about. I realize that in many ways this is a very private topic, and I did my best to respect that in my brief discourse, and I realize that private things often deserve a private setting to be talked about…but…well, I don’t have a great rebuttal to that aside from saying that I’m not always against taking the private and making it public.

Enjoy (but not too much ’cause that would enter into creepersville and that’s not the type of blog I’m trying to write here!)

The Baddest Video of ’em All

This stuff is just too funny to not pass on to the general public.

First off, somehow my wife stumbled across this stunning website that was created by a 39 year old artist. There are no explanations–in fact there really are no words to capture how…how… intriguing this blog is.

Secondly, and more importantly, these videos are absolutely amazing…

Be a Ben–Really Bad Metaphor (part 3)

Today has been a glorious day…kind of. My gnarly ear infection, while rendering me rather deaf, has not caused the same pain that it was causing for the previous week. But even beyond the pain reprieve I was also blessed to spend some time with my sister and my bro-in-law Ben.

Ok, if I were to be totally honest, Ben is forcing me to write a blog about him. His self-esteem is quite precarious and I fear that if I do not write about him he might crumple in such a way that may be detrimental to my nieces and nephew’s health. So for the sake of the family I’m choosing to write about him. Remember, it’s for the kids.

Though, this does remind me of an important lesson that we should probably be made aware of. For a period of time I tried to make a series of quality metaphors that sought to transform not only the way we live but virtually everything about how we understand the world.

So with that in mind, here is today’s–Ben inspired–important metaphor:

Ben himself is a metaphor. Yes he’s human–but aren’t we all? Yes, he’s a man–but aren’t we all? No, literally we are not ALL men, but illustratively we are because we all want what all men want: satisfaction. And in this satisfaction we strive to become better men. Better humans. Better Bens. If we are able, if we achieve such a noble goal so to become better Ben’s then we’ll achieve something even more extraordinary–we’ll achieve ultimate manhood. Not a manhood as Braveheart might invite us to define it, but manhood as Ben would have us define it. Doing dishes, respecting our neighbors, eating strawberries, folding napkins, and even (if we’re lucky) downing a beer or two with friends while frolicking in the snow wearing nothing but our childhood snowbibs adorned with rainbows and old cigarette burn marks. So live, be free, frolic. Be a man, be alive, be a Ben. But don’t destroy what we’ve all been working for: equality. Equality between all peoples regardless of race, sex, ethnicity, language, nationality, economic status, place of birth, or citizenship. Equality. That’s what it means to be a Ben. That’s why today has been so wonderful– Ben invites me to a way of life marked by equality, manliness, and-above all-satisfaction. So be satisfied and drink of the sweet nectar known as Ben.

An Epic Chortling War

There’s been a long standing debate in our home concerning who is funnier between the wife and I. You probably think that I’m joking (and understandably so considering that I’m pretty funny…maybe even the funnies person in my house), but I’m not…joking, that is.

Jess seems to think that she’s funnier than I. I seem to think that I’m funnier than she. Don’t get me wrong, Jess is incredibly funny. But lets be honest, I’ve been making people laugh since I nicknamed myself “Jokey” when I was three. Again, I don’t want to diminish my wife’s humor, nor do I want to discourage her from her continued attempts to make the world laugh…but have you been around me? I’m a riot! No seriously, I’m pretty sure that I’m pretty flippin’ funny…right?


Please tell me I’m right.

I need this right now.

I don’t know if you realize that I have cancer. Would you really look a guy in his virtual eyes who has cancer in his back and tell him he’s not the funniest in his own home? That’s like against the moral code isn’t it?


Please tell me I’m right.

Okay, okay, I get it! My wife is hilarious. It’s true. Go ahead and steal her phone, look at her text dialogs with people and you’ll see that she’s about the funniest person since Martin Short (bad example?). At night we often sit in bed and seriously laugh for like an hour straight….and it’s mostly because she’s so flippin’ funny. She literally caused me to chortle a few minutes ago. Chortle. Chortle! I chortled! My wife made me chortle and I’m not ashamed one bit!

I’d tell you about some of the funny things she says and does but if I did then it would most definitely seal the deal on the fact that she’s funnier than I. No, it would not seal the deal because you’d see how funny her jokes were but it’d seal the deal because no funny person ever repeats said jokes again (especially in this type of context). That would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in no way funny…something I’m not willing to accept…yet.

So I’d like to take this moment to honor my wife and to tell the world that Jessica Woods is the funniest woman I’ve ever met (I’ve never met Tina Fey). Not only is she incredibly gorgeous but she’s also the female version of Will Ferrell. And that’s no lie. In fact, it’s quite high praise.