Why I’m a Little Confused

It makes me laugh even as it regularly confuses me. You see, I fall asleep constantly. For example, as I watched the new Batman movie the night before last night I fell asleep at least six times throughout the epic film (while watching it on one of the largest screens known to mankind). I can fall asleep at any given moment in any context. It’s been amusing to be sitting on the front row of a venue where I’m about to speak only to find myself fighting to stay awake! Shouldn’t I be nervously alert and wide awake at those moments? How about while I’m getting pushed around a grocery store in a wheelchair? How about as i’m in a conversation with my wife about important things?! Don’t worry, though, Jess doesn’t take it personally, she realizes that it’s a combo of pure exhaustion, medications, and actual sickness. She knows she’s not boring (clearly she’s not boring!).

I just. I just fall asleep. Everywhere. Anywhere. All the time. Right now….

Here’s the funny part though, because I live in a constant sleep/awake state and because the sleep that occurs is instantaneously a very deep deep sleep–I often am unaware of what is real and what has been a dream. No joke. No exaggeration.

Just last night I commented to my mom about how many weeds had popped up in our front yard overnight! I mean, seriously, it had turned in a virtual weed-locked mess out there…oh, wait, nope…yeah, that was a dream wasn’t it? Crap. Never mind mom.

Or the other day I told Jess about seeing Southwest Washington’s famous Dave at the oncology clinic. I started to tell her about it and then we both laughed ’cause we both quickly realized that it was a dream. Ha, Dave doesn’t go to my oncology clinic! Silly Ryan is getting dreams and reality mixed up again…until we were there a few days later and there was Dave at my oncology clinic! Turns out this one wasn’t a dream! How’s a boy to know?!

Over and over again I start sentences and stories with Jess only to realize that they never really happened. To be honest it’s often a little disappointing ’cause they’re usually interesting things to talk about. I wish I were crazy enough to get confused about big awesome things like aliens coming to earth or apple pies growing in our garden or Cheez-its coming out with a new flavor, or something fantastic like that. But, no, it’s usually more connected to a new stretch mark that turned green or our car getting dented or or our towels all getting bleached or…or something simple like that. But it’s still just the weirdest and strangest thing to live in this mystery of what is real and what isn’t. It’s a bit disconcerting but honestly more awesome than anything else. It’s a power that I’m glad my wife doesn’t abuse (could you imagine the power she could wield over me?!)–Actually, hmm, what if she were to constantly play it up? What if she always threw fake things out there to mess with me? I’d be a mess…a hilariously confused mess! Hmm…this gives me an idea. A gift. A gift I could bequeath to my wife right here, right now, forevermore….

Here’s the official deal:

if I ever get to that place where I’m clearly dying soon and I’m practically in a  veggitized state I hereby give my wife permission to confuse me with my own ‘dreams’. Hear ye hear ye let this officially be known: Jessica Woods has my permission to do such dastardly deeds without the social ramifications of being considered a jerk in any way whatsoever. This will allow Ryan in his last days to still be a part of something fun and amusing–to which he will be forever grateful. Let it be so.


Yours Truly,

Ryan Woods

One thought on “Why I’m a Little Confused

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