Three Months and Counting

Three to six months. Medically speaking this is what the doctor’s giving me to live. The three month mark is what she gives me if my new treatment doesn’t work. Actually, let me clarify a bit: three to six months are not actually my life expectancy exactly, it’s more that within three to six months we can assume that my tumor will grow in extensive ways leading to major paralysis and eventual death. When we asked her if this new treatment could reverse things and kill the cancer she plainly said “No it won’t get rid of the cancer, but it can stop future growth”…not quite what we hoped to hear! We were hoping that this new¬†treatment¬†would wipe out this cancer once for all!

Our doctor is amazing, she’s honest with us, gives us as much info as we’re can handle, and she’s a kind person. By the end of our appointment yesterday she had cried with us (something she does not do with patients!) and she gave us a wad of cash to pay for a motorized wheelchair for our next Disneyland trip. She also spoke boldly of the two miracles that she’s seen happen in her office and how she’s eager to see a third. I’d love to make her happy. Miracles do happen…just not as often as we want…but they happen.

Three months. Ninety days. That means that every nine days could be a tenth of my life.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…

It leaves me speechless.

I’ll write a better blog tomorrow. I’ve got some ideas ruminating that I’d like to share. My kids have some precious words that need to be shared. But for now I’m genuinely struck speechless by the idea that every week and a half I’m (medically speaking!) a tenth closer to being done…or worse yet, my wife is a tenth of the way closer to being alone. Shit.

201 thoughts on “Three Months and Counting

  1. I will continue TO PRAY for THAT 3rd MIRACLE! GOD is GREAT & I'm sure he's watching ALL the things that is going on with YOU & the impact YOU have had on people YOU don't even know..me included. I ask about your children's names & how they came about? I love them & they fit just perfect. Praying for ALL~Sharon

  2. Imagine if you only had 9 days….things will lengthen. Thank you for sharing wonderfully open and expressive human reality…for we are not here forever ..none of us. Plan for the future but live in the moments that connect them. May God bless your journey.

    Wayne

  3. I long to say something wise and comforting but am left with your ending word. We as people long to make sense of things and keep the pudding even, this is not a scenario wherein that appears possible. Kyle Dugan taught me about breath prayers some years ago and when I read your blog or other facebook details of your story I fall back on those — Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on Ryan. Its all I have and I will continue to offer it. God bless you and your family

  4. We dont know each other, but I live in Vancouver and your blog posts are often shared on friend's Facebook walls. I have to thank you for touching my life though, through this. Through being SO candid and honest in such a hard time. There isn't enough of that in the world and … well if there was anyone deserving of a miracle I'm sure you would be up there in the list of top candidates. Sadly, we all must face mortality. Some much sooner and more tragically than others. Know that there's more sets of fingers being crossed and more positive thoughts out there coming from us!

  5. Not to minimize AT ALL what you are going through, but *I* could die in 90 days in a car crash and have spent these last three months complaining about the state of the house, stressing over spots in the carpet, and getting grumpy with the kids. In one way, you have been given a gift of knowing, preparing, making and recording memories, and focusing on what truly matters. I am sorry, praying for a miracle, and agonizing with your family, but your kids will get to really have these 90 days with you, when many wouldn't. Thank you for walking this path so openly so that we can have our eyes open to what really matters.

  6. I've faced this diagnosis in the past (through ALS), made my funeral arrangements, and then was told that the doctors were wrong. Three different ones. Miracles do happen, and I will pray for one for you!

    • I'd absolutely love to feel like a fool for getting my funeral planned, going on last and final vacations with the kids, and having goodbye parties with people I care about! How wonderful would that be? Thanks for praying for the miracle!!

  7. I don't know you, but I stumbled onto your blog a few days ago through a friend's FB post. Since then, I have been reading and praying for you and your beautiful family. I can tell that you're an amazing person, and to think of your leaving this planet in such a short time raises questions of "Why, God?"….and that's just for me, a stranger! I can only imagine what it's like for YOU, your wife, your children and all of your loved ones. I'm letting this quote direct my prayers. Maybe you'll find it encouraging: "It is out of the whirlwind that Job first hears God say, 'Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?' (Job 42:3). It is out of the absence of God that God makes himself present, and it is not just the whirlwind that stands for his absence, not just the storm and chaos of the world that knock into a cocked hat all man's attempts to find God in the world, but God is absent also from all Job's words about God, and from the words of his comforters, because they are words without knowledge that obscure the issue of God by trying to define him as present in ways and places where he is not present, to define him as moral order, as the best answer man can give to the problem of his life. God is not an answer man can give, God says. God himself does not give answers. He gives himself, and into the midst of the whirlwind of his absence he gives himself" (Frederick Buechner). I'm praying that in the midst of everything you're facing, you and your family will experience God's love and presence.

  8. Ryan I just want you to know that there is no expiration date stamped on your foot! with that said, I understand the need to "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" I pray to God everyday that He doesn't need you as soon as your doctors predict and that He will let you continue your beautiful work here on earth. Ryan you have given me more hope and peace than any pastor I have known. God literally SHINES through you like a lighthouse during a storm. You are a living Bodhisattva, a disciple of Christ, and a completely self-actualized human being. I had a bad taste in my mouth about Christianity for many years but I can honestly say that YOU are the reason I have re-established my relationship with God. You and your family has been my inspiration.. Thank You for that~

  9. I am praying for you and your family. I don't know you, but I also studied at Rochester College, and I learned two major things while I was at Rochester…One was that "once a warrior, always a warrior" and the other was that everyone is a Family at Rochester. I am praying for you my brother and hope that you will find peace within the days to come. God bless you for your honesty.

    Sincerely,
    Stephanie

    • I'm hoping to be able to make it back up to rc in June for the Streaming Conference. If my health allows we're hoping I'll be able to share too. More than anything there are a few alumni that I'd love to see again. Good times.

  10. Hi Ryan,

    My name is Bobby Grow; I recently made it through a cancer (desmoplastic small round cell tumor sarcoma) that is essentially "terminal" if you get it (15% survivability rate). I love the LORD, live in Vancouver, WA; and now I am praying for you dear brother (and your family and kids). I understand what it's like to go through what you're going through; and I also understand that there is still nothing too difficult for our LORD (Jer 32:17). I will pray that he might just miraculously touch you, Ryan. He is able, and his ways are definitely not our ways. If you need anything, and I can meet that need somehow; please let me know. He is able! (you can read my story here: http://bobbygrow.com). Blessings in Christ dear brother.

    PS. I'm a youngish guy too 37, with graduate and undergraduate degrees in Bible/Theology.

  11. http://www.drclark.net/en/testimonials/cancer/ind
    Here are stories about people whose cancer got fixed.

    May the Holy God Creator of the universe, who created the herbs, lead you to the cure and to a life goal after that. If He does not, praise Him, and enjoy heaven, brother.

    I persoanally believe in the herbs: black walnut, cloves, and wormwood. Read above what other people used. The herbs I like are in the following product, which they sell at a lot of health food stores for about $11. It does not compete with any drugs. http://www.kroegerherb.com/index.php/products/com

  12. Your story is heavy. Unfortunately, I don't have any words of comfort that you probably don't already know. Having family members who've lost their lives to cancer, I do know there is nothing easy about it. Just be careful of putting too much hope in a "miracle"- life itself is a miracle and we are given no promises how long life here will last. Don't put your hope in any "herb mix" that cures cancer off the internet. There is a multi-billion dollar cancer cure scam industry that gives patients and families false hope usually with testimonials, stories, and the claim the gov't tried to shut them down because they were so successful: http://www.quackwatch.org/00AboutQuackwatch/altse…. May God bless you and your family through all of this. continued….

  13. ….continued: In my gathering knowledge about it, the only thing that might be of value (at this point) to you in terms of "timeframe" is the small chance that by not eating anything that converts to glycogen may slow its progression. In my understanding from science, cancer needs sugar to grow. In essence most things we eat convert to sugar (eg. all carbs do). You may consider eating ONLY protein, fat, and non-glycemic veges (you will lose weight though). This diet in lab studies has slowed certain kinds of tumors. This is not a real solution, but you may look into it for yourself, if it MIGHT give you a little more time. Also, just an idea for your family: consider making videos and writing letters for them at different stages of their life, so as to pass on some of the wisdom and love you'd want them to know then. May God bless you and your family though all of this.

  14. I am Praying for your precious family and God can work MIRACALES! In my short time finding your BLOG you have aloud God to lite something in my soul that isnt explainable!! I want to Thank You for what you do, and what you have yet to do, for many people in this world. GOD BLESS YOU and your SWEET FAMILY!!

  15. Ryan, I do not have a miracle story to tell you. I wish like anything I did. I was widowed by cancer just two years ago. He was just 59, which seems old to you I am sure, but at 58 I had my whole life ahead with wonderful plans of retirement with my best friend. It was not to be. But be assured whatever the outcome, God is there for you and for your beloved Jess. God has carried me through, given me strength, confidence to face the future and love beyond all measure. I hold tight to my precious Jesus and He holds tight to me. I have glimpsed Heaven and God's brilliant light in ways I could never have imagined. I do not fear death like I once did and look forward to that day I will be with my beloved again. And I live in peace, knowing that he is with Jesus, out of pain, and suffering no longer. I am so excited for what lies ahead for me. With God for you, who or what can be against you. God bless you and your dear family.

    • Wow, thank you so much Ellen for sharing your story. My greatest fears are not connected to death but to leaving my wife and children behind. It seems as though those who survive carry the greatest burden. My prayers are with you Ellen. Thanks again.

  16. Hi Ryan, I read about you from Su over on the Cheekyness blog and am just stopping by here to wish you and your family well in the coming months…may those months be filled with joy and laughter while you create fond memories to last a lifetime. Make the most of what you have right now and try not to worry about the news from a time frame standpoint, because if you start to count down days, then it will distract you from focusing on the days you are living now and the time that you have right in front of you. Enjoy yourself as best at you can and take comfort in knowing that you have a loving family behind you who will be with you always and who also knows that they have you with them right now…today!

  17. I don't want to get into this too much here, but what Chuck has written above is quite sad. All I can say is that I am alkaline (my pH balance is balanced), and that cancer cannot survive in an non-acidic (alkaline) environment. It is not hard at all to maintain consistent alkalinity; I take barley supplements at high dosages and drink alkaline water. Further, scientists in the past have scientifically shown that a cancer cell is simply an oxygen deprived cell; the trick is to reoxygenate these cells so that they can return to the normal krebs cycle and die a normal cell death. Dr. Budwig (nominated for multiple nobel prizes for her work on this issue) came up with a way to oxygenate cells.

    Anyway, there is much more info on this, and it is not hoaxy. We live in a scientistism culture which folk like Chuck, unfortunately have bought into, apparently; there are "scientific" studies that demonstrate that there are cures for cancer (natural). Ryan, I would drink alkaline water and take Barley Supreme (20 a day). If you want more information let me know; there is nothing to lose (which is why I find Chuck's comment quite troubling!), and maybe everything to gain!

    Praying for you and the family, Ryan!

    PS. I remember when people like Chuck made comments to me about the hoaxy nature of curing cancer naturally; thing is, I am alive, and cancer free, from a cancer that is normally "terminal." I give the LORD all the glory, he's the one who made the earth with rich resources for healing and well being! I also personally know multiple people who had terminal cancers who became alkaline, and our cancer free right now.

    • For the sake of clarification, I take about a dozen different natural supplements shown to improve health. I never said there weren't natural treatments for cancer that might be effective at slowing it down. I said there is a huge scam industry that thrives on giving people false hope. I know from several people who've tried a ton of that stuff for $$ and it made no difference. The best option is in vitamin and supplement treatment to prevent cancer. There doesn't have to be a sci study for it to be effective but before you spend a ton of $$ at least see if studies have shown it to have no effect. Don't you think if there really was a natural cure for cancer people would flock to it, and you couldn't keep survivors quiet about it. All of my previous comments were from seeing first-hand the devastating nature of well meaning suggestions and comments that give people a false sense of security.

  18. 30 minutes. 30 minutes I've sat here and tried to compose some amazing comment that would somehow make your day better. How? How exactly could I even begin to do that? I can't relate to where you are, but I do know that I am truly inspired by you. You're not begging for anything here, you're being as strong as you can be. We've never met, maybe someday somewhere we will, but you are an inspiration.

    You'll be on my mind daily.

  19. I'll pray daily that you have the strength needed in this time… and also so that you may be that third miracle. I'll keep you in my mind.

  20. You are not a number, or a slot of time, you are amazing, and you are never going to leave those you love alone, you are the kind of person that stays with someone, an imprint… So much light and love to you and yours.

  21. Wow. The open integrity with which you handled that post just absolutely BLEW me away. God bless you Man. Ryan, I don't know what the "right" thing is to say, so I'll say I'm praying for that miracle that you and your doctor spoke of. It happens…I know it does. I think this community pulling together for you on your site could do amazing things in that regard.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.
    - Jonathan Ruth

  22. I can't for a second pretend to understand even an ounce of what you're facing right now. But I can say unequivocally that life often doesn't look like what we thought it would. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family and I pray not just for a miracle but that every day you have is a gift to you, your family and the people in your life who love you. I pray for peace and hope for all the minutes you have ahead of you. You're loved. Even by those of us who've never met you. You're so very loved.

    e.

  23. Michael J. Fox, when asked how he deals with thinking about the progression of his Parkinson's disease, said:

    "You know, there’s a rule in acting called 'Don’t play the result.' If you have a character who’s going to end up in a certain place, don’t play that until you get there. Play each scene and each beat as it comes. And that’s what you do in your life: You don’t play the result.

    So you get diagnosed with Parkinson’s, and you can play the result. You can go right to, ‘Oh, I’m sick.’ It took me seven years to figure out that I’m not at the result. I’m not at the result till the end. So let’s not play it. It’s not written yet. And so that’s the attitude I take in life."

    My heart is with you as you learn to deal with this news, but please, don't let the potential results rob you of what you have for sure: today, to live as best you can and love as much as you can. Don't play the result. Play the now.

    We are all feeling for you.

    • Very interesting. It makes sense in a lot of ways because with regard to this life "the result" does not actually exist. If we play 'the result' we're actually living into something that may or may not be true. All we have is this moment to live. Hmmm, good stuff. Thank you Cordelia. One thing I'd add, though, is that from my perspective there are some results that are guaranteed (I'm thinking theologically here with regard to the promises that Jesus has made concerning the kingdom of God and such). It is those guaranteed results that give me courage and hope in the face of the unknown realities in this world.

      Anyway, can Michael J. Fox be any cooler than he already is? I mean, seriously, the guy in an incredible inspiration AND he is even willing to make fun of himself! (have you seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode?)

      Thanks again for the comment. Great stuff!

  24. Wow, you're handing this amazingly well and are so strong. Take advantage of every moment and do everything you've ever wanted to do. I hope the treatments work and will be chanting for you and your family (that's how we Nichiren Buddhists pray)–keep the faith, because you never know what could change things in an instant. There's a man in my Buddhist group–he was dying of AIDS and 10 years later, he's still here and in the best of health. Take of yourself. :)

  25. I have no words that will calm your fears. I have no words to remove your pain. I have only love for you and your family, people I've never met but feel a connection with. I'm sending healing thoughts and the hope for a miracle.

  26. WOW Ryan – you are so strong! If I were you, I don't know if I would be able to write a blog post. God has given you such AMAZING strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers – and I pray that God gives you a miracle and is with you and continues to give you (and your family and friends) the strength to handle whatever comes your way!

  27. I'm not sure what to write here. The things come to mind that are "supposed" to be said, but none of those seem to fit.

    You're an inspiration. And if anything like this happens to me, I hope that I can handle it with the grace andintegrity that you've shown here.

    Thank you, I'll be hoping and praying for your miracle.

  28. I want to say that I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this but God is awesome and I will be praying for a miracle! Your story has touched me in ways that make me want to be a better person. You are truly an inspiration and I really hope and pray you do get your miracle. Enjoy the time you have now, live in the present and know that you are not alone. Thinking about you!

  29. I'm one of the love bombers and I'm here to say that you are loved, right now, by people you don't even know. Right now there are so many people thinking about you and sending all their positive mojo to you and your family. Feel it…… You are loved <3

  30. You are such an incredible inspiration and a reminder to live for today because nothing is promised. Praying for peace and calm and answers for you, your wife and your beautiful children. You will always live on through everything you have taught them! Sending you love and wishing for a MIRACLE for you!

  31. I cannot even begin to comprehend such an idea. I can only imagine how incredibly scared, frustrated and angry you must be. Please remain strong and positive for your children and your family. All will be well. You will be alright and so will your family. Life heals.

  32. I can't imagine the thoughts that must be going through your head. The terror at leaving your kids, your wife, your family- before you're ready to let them go. The what-ifs, regrets, wish-i-couldas. The anxiety that must trap your heart whenever you think on it. I am so desperately sorry. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there was some way to transfer faith and strength from person to person, but alas, we are not able to do so. I wish you every blessing in the coming months and pray that God grant you the strength to get through. Love, prayers, wishes, and hugs from Green Bay, WI.

  33. You're in my thoughts & prayers. I'm hoping a miracle for you & your family. My brother-in-law is young & a single father and from Vancouver, WA too. He has stage 4 Gliosarcoma brain cancer. He's currently fighting for his life. We'll all add you and your family to our prayers!

  34. You are a special being and know you are surrounded in love and light and thats where the miracles happen

    will be praying for you and cheering you on

  35. I don't think there is anything anyone can say right now that doesn't seem clichéd. Being brave when you don't have a choice in the matter is a big thing. I wish you and your family all the best.

  36. Ryan–my heart hurts for what you and your family are going through. I, too, believe that a miracle is still ENTIRELY possible and am praying for you! Stay strong and keep this great perspective that you have!

  37. Ryan,
    I know this sounds a little far-fetched, but take a look at this supplement and the reviews it has received. People world wide have used it with great success! Worth a try, right? http://www.amazon.com/Flora-Flor-essence-Liquid-1…. My family swears by the detoxing qualities and use it for normal cleanses as well. On another note, I wish the best for you and your family. I'll be praying for you guys and for the team of professionals you're working along-side.
    Stay strong and God bless,
    Allissa

  38. Praying for you and your family. May God bless you with peace, love and light no matter how long you have on this earth.

  39. Hmmm….every nine days countdown? Well, we can die any day in anyway. Don't let medicine give you an expiration date. Live your life to its fullest everyday, no matter what, because you are an amazing person! People like you give everyone hope and allow the world to shine brightly. I hope each one of your days is blessed with love, happiness, and light just as you have blessed so many people through your awesomeness.

  40. Ryan,

    I am here from Love Bomb. I am praying and hoping for your wonderful family and for YOU! Please, whatever you do, don't give up!!! Read Crazy Sexy Cancer and Crazy Sexy Diet, please – there are ways to nourish your body with organic foods and supplements that will complement your other treatments. Sending you much, much love.

    Jessica

  41. Ryan,

    My heart goes out to you and your family. Savor every moment with them and with God's grace, there will be a treatment that reveals itself. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many. Sending you love and positive thoughts.

  42. Ryan after reading your blog I just became speechless and just did not know what to say other than God is with you and does work in miraculous ways. The power of pray is amazing and with so many people praying for you he will do something so amazing. May the Lord be with you through this difficult time.

  43. Ryan, I heard Deepak Chopra say 'You can believe the diagnosis not the prognosis'. Although you seem to have a good grip on reality, it doesn't hurt to have others praying for you and your miracle, and we are! Sending caring thoughts.

  44. Ryan, I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts. I hope that the rest of your life is filled with adventures – the good kind. You are a kind and courageous person, and I am glad that you exist. Know that there are people in the world that are always here to support you, both on and offline. Just take each day as it comes.

  45. I hope that somehow, regardless of what the doctors have been telling you, you manage to get better, and get your 30, 35 more years of a happy, healthy life. But if that doesn't happen, you've left your kids and your wife with amazing memories of the time you had with them, and you've set an example for them of how to handle even the most difficult, horrible things life can throw at you. You've made it through this thing this far with so much grace and calm, and I know that however, whenever, the end comes for you, it will be peaceful and beautiful, and your family will be left with the knowledge that you came to terms with the course of your life, and the comfort that you're in a better place and that they'll see you again when they get there, too.

  46. We don't know each other, but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, and sending you strength, and love. plenty of love

  47. Ryan, many of us do not know you but we are ALL eager and hopeful for that 3rd miracle – best wishes for you, your family, and friends. You are an amzaing man and I will be checking back in on you…

  48. Dear Ryan,
    Though I do not know you, please know I am praying for your mind as you rage against your predicament – and I rage along with you! I am praying that you would fully recover from your cancer, and that during this time of horrid uncertainty you would be given repeated assurances of what incredible love my God has for you.
    Dear Ryan's family, wife, daughter, son – I'm praying that you will feel such indescribable love for each other during this time, and that you all receive the rest and peace you need.
    Love.

  49. Hi Ryan…I'm part of Love Bomb. Thinking of you and your family…I had a friend die from a brain tumor a few years ago. I encourage you to do the inner work to prepare yourself (and family) for your eventual transition. Miracles do happen (I am living proof) but sometimes that is not what is meant to be. There are many great spiritual teachers, books and such that can really assist you in your preparation. The author Carolyn Myss has some great books (Anatomy of the Spirit) that have helped me in various times in my life – perhaps they can assist you. Know that many are sending you positive energy and hope.

  50. ***LOVE BOMB!!!*** Thank you for being real, and sharing every painful, torturous, joyful, beautiful step with the world. Sending you love through the aether as you journey on, and praying for the best possible outcome.

  51. I do not have any words of comfort to offer you, only prayers and love. The unfairness and equality of life is that all of us, no matter how long we live, will never get to do all that we want to do or say all that we want to say. But I can pray that however much time you have left is lived out exactly how you want it to be.

  52. Hi Ryan – first, thank you for being so brave and honest to share something so personal with all of us. My older brother passed away 10 years ago now from astrocytoma and he was 39 years old. I have seen so many wonderful discoveries and treatments happen since then, wishing he was still here to have the opportunity to try something new. I pray that a miracle does happen for you & your family and know that many others will be sending lots of positive thought & energy your way. *hugs* – LOVE BOMB!

  53. I am praying for you. Sending you love and light. The universe is strange and beautiful and you being who you are is a miracle and I hope that many more come your way. Make the best out of the time you have now and I can only hope to be as strong as you someday. Big hugs.

  54. Ryan, I don't know what to say. I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you. You and your beautiful family deserve all of the love in the world and I hope that, however long you have left, is filled with just that. Your faith inspires me as it is one thing I haven't been able to hold on to terribly well in the midst of my own fights against the frailty of life. But you still hold on to hope and to the beauty in life. I hope that each day is filled with light and life and love and that your miracle does come to pass, even if not in the way you anticipate. Above all, I hope that your days are filled with more love than you know what to do with.

  55. Mission Accomplished! I saw under About Us that you want to live like Jesus. He was an example. You are an example. When I read your story, it made me think about how you must live everyday to its fullest and have no complaints. I trust in the process of life. You have made a difference in my life…just like Jesus.

  56. Doctors have been wrong before. You are already a walking miracle and you shouldn't have a time stamp! Just live your life as if you didn't know this day was coming! Do as much as you possibly can! :)

  57. I am here to Drop a LOVE BOMB on you! I cannot imagine what you are going through and won't even pretend to try. Buddha says not to dwell in the past, or worry about the future, but to concentrate on the present moment. I try every day to live this and it is hard. Your story will inspire me to work harder at it.

    My thoughts are with you while you are on your journey.

  58. If you truly believe you'll be that third miracle, you WILL be. You are so strong and positive. You are in my thoughts and prayers…you can win this fight, I know you can. We all believe in YOU.

  59. Ryan im so inspired by you! Im so touched, to tears!, what a courageous man you are! Im so inspired. If i could face those kind of news as courageously as you do i would have not lived in wain. Life is so preacious and were all Living on such a thin line. I cant imagine what Its like to go through what your going through. I wish you all the strenghts and love deep from my heart. Life is a miracle which proves that miracles does occour, i wish you many days more to come, but whatever happens just keep on Loving. Big warm hug to you, im gonna keep you as an inspiration, to live like as if Every day counts.

  60. I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis! I hope that you prove science wrong and are hanging around in a year, remarking on the extra tenths you are getting! My thoughts and love will be with you.

  61. "every nine days could be a tenth of my life." – & all the more reason to make every single one magical! I vote you start making every 9th day a celebration… of you, of your family, of 24 more hours… whatever you want. OOH, and plus cake,.

  62. Ryan, I foung your blog via LOVE BOMB and I want to thank you for your honesty. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, I just wish you to find the strength and wisdom to enjoy and share every minute with those you love most.

    Thank you for reminding me of how precious life is and that every minute counts. By sharing your experience, you are making an impact on more people than you may imagine and making this world a better place. Thank you.

    I will keep you and your family and your family in my prayers and wish you all the very best.

  63. I'm sitting here thinking, what can be said that already isn't? And THEN it came to me: I could say a fancy "ditto" and hope that the amount of love outpouring from all over the country and world for you, regardless of how fancy the words, is enough to encourage you through one more hour or day or tenth of a day.

    You're a miracle. You're leading a remarkable journey. And millions of strangers are waiting to hear how we can help beyond spreading love and prayers all over you like butter. Hang in there soldier, miracles happen every day.

  64. We have never met. We probably never will, but love and prayers can be felt beyond any tangible, known boundaries. I love sports, so the first thing which popped into my head: "Do you believe in miracles?" I do. I hope you do as well.

  65. I can't for a second pretend to understand even an ounce of what you're facing right now. But I can say unequivocally that life often doesn't look like what we thought it would. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family and I pray not just for a miracle but that every day you have is a gift to you, your family and the people in your life who love you. I pray for peace and hope for all the minutes you have ahead of you. You're loved. Even by those of us who've never met you. You're so very loved.

  66. Dear Ryan, thank you for the strength, the courage, the inspiration that you share with us. It's awful, what kinds of hell we experience here on earth. I will be praying with you, for you and for your family, for the Grassroots Conspiracy project, and for more people to hear your story and be inspired. God's peace be with you always!

  67. I honestly don't know what to write, nor do I think I can truly grasp what you are going through. But you and your family are in my mind and heart and I will be offering my prayers as hopefully some comfort. <3

  68. I do too believe in miracles. And I believe in your strength and peace during this time. Your words (no matter how negative you perceive them to be) are inspiring to me. I guess none of us ever really know how long we have to live and that is the key part of life…..to live and love what we have and what we are given. Your honesty and awareness right now, as well as your doctor's, are refreshing to hear. Stay positive and live the best life you can. I pray for you, your doctor, and your family for strength, wisdom and peace. Love and positive vibes to you.

    XOXO,
    Cindy

  69. Putting positive thoughts out for a huge miracle happening in your life. I will envision you writing a post on your personal miracle. Hugs to you and all those you love.

  70. I hope the time will be sufficient and that you will spend it with the people you treasure the most. It is hard to relate to, but somehow I think it gives comfort that you have know it is going to end and when. Most of us walks around everyday without this knowledge or possibility to relate to it, but I imagine it gives you a perspective on time most of us can only dream about! I wish you all the best days possible. Peace be with you!

  71. Hi Ryan. I'm praying for you and your family. Please do this for me: Live in the moment, make the best of everything, and have fun. God's looking out for you.
    <3

  72. Dear Ryan:
    We do not know one another, but your story has touched me nonetheless. You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts. Stay strong.
    Namaste
    Amy.
    Boston, MA

  73. Ryan – I know that this is not news that you wanted to hear. You are so fortunate to have a compassionate and forthright doctor. But please, do not let 3-6 month define you.

    I know that every cancer is different, and I know very little about yours. My father received similar news. 3-6 months. The truth is, doctors just make their best guess. My father went on to live another 3 years! He was smart about it – he made all the preparations necessary "just in case," but his attitude and outlook – his will to live, I believe, helped him hang on.

    From what I have heard about you, you have been an inspiration to those around you – bless you! Keep it up, but lean on others when you need to and rest in your faith. I, too, believe in miracles. I pray for a miracle for you!

  74. Praying for you, and for your family. Praying for a miracle, for strength, for this to be a time of overwhelming love and peace regardless. Much love x

  75. I have witnessed what happens when things that the medical profession cannot or does not endorse is part of a healing protocol. Medical sees through limited physical eyes. Love, Prayer, Stillness, all bring in Greater Intelligence of therefore unlimited possibilities..
    Radical Mystic

  76. I am so sorry to hear that your time on earth is predicted to be so limited – but let us hope that you have much more, and if not, that that will be spent in the most fulfilling and meaningful ways possible. I admire that you are so strong, and I wish you the very, very best.

    Stay strong,
    Connie

  77. Ryan, I can’t begin to imagine how you are feeling. I want you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart! I don’t have to personally know you to love you! I will be praying for God to heal you! I love you Ryan.

  78. You are so brave. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in your position, but you are handling it so much better than I could. I believe in miracles, and I'm praying for one for you. It's such a blessing to have a wonderful doctor who truly cares about you. I'm praying that God will give you healing, strength, and above all, time. God bless you and your family!

  79. As someone who finished treatment for cancer 6 months ago, I feel like I should know all the "right" things to say and all the cliches to avoid but I'm left speechless instead. If there is anything I can do to help you – errands, making food, etc. please let me know… I actually just moved to Vancouver, WA myself so I really mean that! You are in my thoughts.

  80. Thank you so much for opening your life to people when most would go into lock down. God is working great miracles through you and your family. You are sharing His word and His love, and I hope that others will come to know Him through you. You are a brave and strong man, and I will be praying that you find healing, and that your family and friends find strength in this difficult time. With love and hope, Tabby.

  81. Man – I cannot believe the strength that you have! You are so courageous, don't ever forget that there are a whole pile of people here rooting for you! I'll be thinking of you.

  82. I am speechless also. For every week and a half you are being the given the greatest gift of all and that is a little more time. I have know idea how you were even able to write this post without being angry. Your courage to face this with the best attitude possible inspires me. I will pray for you and your family.

  83. Dear Ryan,
    Your strength is a huge inspiration to the people who read your blog, your family and your friends.
    I've never met you, but you and your family are in my prayers.
    Just by being alive and bringing beautiful children into the world is a miracle. So you already have yours.

    A quote I always try to live by often makes me see the world in a different way:
    "Begin at once to live and count each separate day as a separate life" – Seneca

    May your days be filled with love, laughter and memories that will live on forever.
    Lots of love from Steph, England UK
    xxxx

  84. Ryan,

    There are no words. I'm sending love and prayers. I will be lifting you and your family up today. Be blessed, whatever comes

    Love, Heidi

  85. Whatever the future holds, know that there are those who are loving you at this very second. and this one…and this one…. and there are those among who still believe in miracles.

    much love to you and yours!

  86. I'm praying for continued strength for you and your family. God has a plan for you and your family and I hope it involves all of you being together on earth for awhile. Much love and hugs!

  87. Dear Ryan,

    My heart breaks for you and your family at the news you've received. I love that you're helping high schoolers and so many others with your courage and Hero's Journey ideas. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm still hoping for a miracle for you.

    Lots of love to you and your family,
    Deb from Colorado Springs

  88. I pray that you are her 3rd miracle! And even so, I pray that you have the strength you need to get through this difficult time. God works in amazing ways, and I pray that He does amazing things in your life. God bless!

  89. Ryan, WOW! I am so struck by the courage and light-heartedness emanating from your words. You may or may not be feeling that from moment to moment, but it's there inside of you, I see it. This post is proof of it. I can only encourage you to flip that countdown on its head in whatever way you can – If you want to even buy into the numbers that are thrown out there. I also send warmest wishes that you and your family continue to find peace and ease in this journey, wherever it takes you.
    Love to you…

  90. Your strength and courage is an inspiration Ryan… I can't begin to imagine what you are facing and how hard your journey must be. Enjoy every precious moment with your family *love bomb*
    Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
    -Albert Einstein

  91. Wow, Ryan. I can’t imagine what that must be like. I’m thinking of you and your family (and your awesome doctor). Take care.

  92. Ryan, you are your family will be in my thoughts and prayers! I think it says a lot about you that the doctor was moved to tears. God Bless. Angie xx

  93. Ryan,
    Thank you so much for living your life. I know we are all praying for you and God will help you throughout your life. He's a miracle worker. Good luck! You're awesome!

  94. Fuck cancer.
    I'm a writer by trade and that right there is all I have in this moment.
    Fuck cancer.
    There aren't any words just deep breaths of knowing, of seeing a man on the edge of it all,
    of life and death and hope and loss- and being humbled by the knowledge that he is fierce. That he meets this all with grace.
    I know nothing of anything except this: that nothing exists outside of Him. Not cancer, not sorrow, not miracles. He is all we'll ever have and if He's pulling you close to Himself, I'd understand it.
    But believe that I'll be praying He let's us keep you for a while.

  95. Ryan,

    My husband was recently diagnosed with a terminal cancer. I can honestly say that I know what your wife is going through, and I understand where you are right now. My only advice is to take one day at a time, one step at a time. Grab hold of the support of your loved ones and those willing to lend a hand. Tell your wife it's okay to accept a hand now and then (that was a hard one for me). And above all, never lose sight of that miracle. Good luck. Know that there are many fighting right along with you!

  96. damn cancer! I just buried my father last week due to lung cancer.. it has no right taking anyone else. While I don't know you and we'll likely never meet.. please know that I pray for you and your family.. I pray that the dr's are wrong and I pray that you a long healthy life surrounded by family and friends.

  97. I am so sorry for this terrible news for you and your family. I will be praying for you and your family's comfort and strength and for your healing.

  98. I hope you will be the third miracle, and that, while you find out if you get to be it or not, that you seize every opportunity to make each day count. I know reading your post hasa inspired me to start doing that again with my own life. Big hug full with good luck wishes from Mexico :)

  99. God has a plan for you and for those around you. Have faith and trust in Him. He loves you. He wants you to know that He loves you.

  100. I'm praying for you that you are filled with strength and healing. I'm so terribly sorry; I wish I had wonderful and comforting words for you. Just know that you are loved and that your time is precious. God will give you the time you need to accomplish your purpose in life.
    "Here is a test to find whether your mission in life is finished: if you are alive, it isn't." -Richard Bach

    Enjoy and cherish every moment of your life. I can tell that you already do. Thank you for being an inspiration and reminder to me to never take each day for granted.

  101. Praying for you, your wife, your kids, your doctors. Praying for a miracle and sending you love, hugs and positive thoughts.

    God Bless You!

    Love from a lovebombing stranger in Wyoming.

  102. Christ makes all things possible and will never forsake you even when we cant seem to understand. Your strength is truly an inspiration. I'll pray for you every day.

  103. Ryan you are AMAZING. The unbelievable strength and courage under fire that you have shown is absolutely inspirational.

    I pray that you will get through this together with your family, closer, stronger, and better than ever before.

    May grace, peace and strength be with you in the coming days.

    You are loved by all, and the love bomb team loves you!!

  104. All I can do is send you every bit of light and love and hope and witty sarcasm I have. I think it is at this point in ones life when one begins to wonder…"why did I care so much when that man cut me off in traffic? wait… nope…that guy really was a jerk!" Its something that only dawns on us when life and death are put into perspective. Laugh and love and joke and play with those around you. What better way to spend this time, whether it be your last three months on this earth or your first of many?

  105. From Springwater Community in outer SE Portland…we are thinking and praying for you, your family, and community. Thank you for opening your life and journey to all of us, it is truly inspiring and humbling. Peace of Christ.

  106. From London, UK: Thinking of you and sending you so much love it can not squeeze into this "comment box". Miracles happen.
    Love deeply and without regret Ryan. Laugh, smile, kiss and play with the ones who you care for.
    Praying for you and your family. Amazing Man.
    *lovebomb*

  107. I can try and encourage you but you'll be getting a lot of that today. All I will say that it IS SHIT, and I am so sorry. Sending love your way, from very afar, from a complete stranger who is inspired by you.

  108. I'm so inspired by your choice to write about this and to share your story and your family's story. I am burdened for you and your loved ones. You are amazing, you truly are, and I pray that as many days as are ahead are the fullest you've ever known.

  109. I wish i could wipe away the pain and uncertainity of your life…but there is one thing i can do i can close my eyes and pray for you and your family.

  110. I am at a loss for words – my heart breaks for you and your family. Please know that you have so many people around the world who are sending you their love and blessings. And praying for a miracle. Stay strong. Meg, The Love Bomb Team.

  111. Stay strong. I can't imagine what you are going through right now but stay as positive as you can continue to fight the fight. Crazier things have happened than you beating this.

  112. Finding peace in such a situation, for you and your family, your friends…it seems impossible but praying you all will xx Chin up…

  113. My prayers go out to you, Ryan. Our God is with you–trust in him, he already has a plan for your life and your wife's and your children's!!! He is amazing, he does wonderful things. DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE!!! You have given me hope!! Keep up the good fight, the Lord will bless you for that. Prayers and love.

  114. I know there are no words that will make what you and your family are going through any easier. All I can tell you for sure is that your wife will be OK. She won't think so at first, but she will be with time. As a widow myself I am confident in telling you this and I hope it brings you some small bit of peace. I am praying for you and your entire family as you go through this very difficult time.

  115. I'm praying for you and your family. I heard about you through my brother (Jerrad Isch) who lives in Vancouver. I live in Alaska and am praying for a miracle! My heart goes out to your family, especially your wife and kids. Many blessings on you guys!

  116. The courage and and strength displayed by yourself and your family is an inspiration to us all. I feel exceptionally touched upon reading you words and seeing your family photo in your About Us section. This is my first visit to your site, but it will not be the last. Wishing you well during these difficult times, and sincerely hoping for an optimistic recovery.

  117. Ryan, I send you Love and Light, and prayers for your miracle. I pray for your children, your wife, and for those around you, who daily love you. I've read your words, and sit here, not sure what to say to you. My own life is going through major transitions, heartaches, and challenges, and yet…yet, still I fumble for words to express to you just how much my heart goes out to you and yours. God Bless you, Ryan.

  118. I'm so struck by your story and I want to add my support onto your growing pile of prayers, well wishes, and love. I don't know you or your family, but I want to offer the comfort of knowing that all of your bravery and love will not go unnoticed! I will send all of my miracle related thoughts your way and I want you to know you are an inspiration even to girls sitting thousands of miles away in a college rec center afraid of challenges that are far less than those you are dealing with. Good luck, stay strong, and remember how many people are supporting you and your family will never be 'alone' with all of the memories and time you've spent together!

  119. A friend of ours recently had both your blog and our blog featured on his on one of his recent posts, and we had to check yours out. Our 15 month old daughter is dying of the same disease our son died of three years ago. She has days at most. We have heard from a handful that we should pray hard, claim God's promises and pray for a miracle. After our first experience with this though we learned that faith is about believing in God's ultimate goodness and plan, not in our own plan. We learned that the miracle we want might not be His miracle. His miracle was not the healing of our son but the healing of our family. Is his death our fault…did we not pray hard enough? No. He changed our hearts and our prayers from praying for healing to praying for acceptance of His will. I hope you don't feel that if you aren't healed in your body that it is your fault. Your family will be forever changed because of you and blessed! We saw the world in black and white before our son's death and we now see it in full colour! I value life in a way I never did before. You have already given your family so many gifts!
    I'm afraid I've written too much but want to share one more thing – we survived our first loss with two perspectives: 1) Ephesians 3:20 – God will do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine – why would I pray my child out of heaven when God has so much more planned than I do?! and 2) my relationship with God reminds me of a child who is learning to walk with a parent. The parent lets the child pull their hand away to walk on their own, but knows the child may fall. The child does, but when it happens, what does the parent do? Rushes to the child's side, picks them up and dusts them off. Cleans the wound gently and puts a bandaid on, draws a smiley face on it and then cuddles them until they are ok. The parent does everything in their power to make it better, but doesn't take away the wound and wouldn't want to take away the learning it created. Is it possible that life happens sometimes and that God surrounds us to make it as good as possible? It could be that my children's deaths are His will, but it's also possible life happened and He is making the best of it! He is so good! You will be our thoughts!

  120. Hey. I'm only another voice in the chorus, and…oh, I don't know. I'm always at a loss when I want to comfort people and they're not in front of me. And it's really no good to tell you what I'd want to hear–or what I think I'd want to hear–because everyone's so very, very different and I'm really only just a college kid with her head full of stories and a penchant for fantasy novels, you know?

    But that said, this is a pretty loving, pretty hopeful world and you obviously touch lives. You've done this, and that's the inheritance that your kids and wife will have if you pass on–you've put a little more light out there, and that's not something that goes away. I've spent ages trying to put words to all this, but I suppose I'll end up by saying that I just said a little prayer for you. 4:49, in a little house in Southern California, there's a college girl that prayed for you and your family.

    Good luck, mon ami, and God bless.

  121. What a terrible thing to hear from a doctor – it’s one of those “what if” questions that we always hope we will never have to answer. I hope that you and your family will find the best ways possible to spend your remaining time together, and here’s hoping that it’s for a good while still.

  122. I am praying for that Miracle #3. Live your life to the fullest regardless of what the doctors say is coming. Love as much as you can every day. You are in my thoughts xx

  123. dear ryan,
    you have inspired me to live everyday to it's full. i hope and pray that things turn out okay, because you are such an intelligent and understanding person, and you deserve to be that third miracle. i send all my love to your children, and i hope that that disneyland trip is one hell of a holiday. good luck ryan, and thankyou for making me realise how much i have to be grateful for. you are truly an absolute diamond, and may you shine on xxx

  124. Dear Ryan and family,

    I am writing to you from a terribly cold, wet and windy London.
    There is no point in me telling you to keep your 'chin up' or 'if there is a will there is a way'. It will only come across as a tad crass and rather sentimental.
    All I can send you is vats of love and light. Wanting you to know that you are thought of.
    I hope that you are surrounded by loved ones who help you laugh when its needed and allow you to cry when you want to.
    All my love and light to you Ryan.
    XXXX

  125. Remember that the inspiration you pass along while you are still here will last forever and as a result your memory will never die. You are in a unique situation in which anyone will listen to what you have to say right now. I hope you use this gift, but I also hope you get your miracle!

  126. I was so glad to read that your doctor believes in and has witnessed miracles. I am praying for a miracle for you, dear Ryan!
    I thought I would share the Silent Unity prayer line with you: 1-800-669-7729. They have brought me so much peace, and they pray for you for a solid month. With so many people praying for you, a miracle seems more likely, in my opinion!
    God is with you and is blessing you in the midst of this most difficult of times.

  127. I am sending you an abundance of love and light Ryan. If I may suggest an alternative treatment, if you haven't already done so, perhaps seeking the help/healing of a shaman, even if it doesn't heal the cancer, it will assist you in coming to peace in yourself about what is happening. Many, many blessings to you.

  128. Ryan, I'll pray for a miracle for you. Thank you for sharing your story, and please know that you've made a positive impact on the lives of many people you've never even met. *hugs*

  129. Sending love and prayers to you and your family from across the pond. Just reading this one post, I can already tell that you are an amazing person. I wish you strength and peace to get through this with your beautiful family. I pray that you will be blessed with that miracle which you so deserve.

    Hannah, UK

  130. The truth is we will all face death at one point…even unexpected. It is something we cannot deny. What matters most is how we spend our lives. Unfortunately we live in a society where everyone is too busy to enjoy it before it's all over. You have already made a difference in the lives of others and will continue to do so. Also, don't forget that with the advances in the medical field, anything can happen. Miracles do happen. I wish for you a speedy recovery and peace of mind. Spend as much time with your loved ones concentrating on things you love to do. When you do that, time holds still….The body may go but the soul lives forever.

  131. my thoughts, love and prayers are being sent straight to you from the UK xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    lord give me strength.
    grant me the serenity
    to accept the things i cannot change
    courage to change the things i can

  132. Pingback: Love Bomb Update – Ryan

  133. Ryan – I am so very sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. Sending love and light your way, for comfort and strength, and also, for a miracle.

  134. Praying for you and your family..for the miracle we all want for you and for the strength to see this battle through. You are loved. You are strong.

  135. Will add my prayers that you get your miracle. And in the meantime, that you and your family can experience peace, strength, courage, love, and joy.

  136. You and your family are in my prayers. There are truly things in this life that seem to have no rhyme or reason. I suppose that one day we'll understand why bad things happen to good people. My family has been through a lot over the last year and a half and this question is one I have pondered often……
    Praying for a miracle. They do happen. All I have to do to have proof is go in and look at my sleeping baby girl……..

  137. Sending many positive vibes your way! This is one of my favorite bible passages, I thought I'd share with you – Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9.

  138. Dear Ryan,

    I wish I could do something big for you… but right now all I can do is pray & ask You to always hope fro the best & to never EVER Give UP.. cos there are soo many people who care about You.. tc!

    Love & Light
    Rida Soleil

  139. Pingback: Tomorrow is Never Guaranteed… « The Adventures of Brennan & Lesa…

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