So at the hospital they have this chart to help you communicate with the doctors what type of pain you’re in. The spectrum is from 1-10. Simple enough right? But to help you better identify your place in this spectrum they’ve given you the two extremes. “No Pain” and “Worst Pain Imaginable”.
Do you ever think they’ve had someone claim a ten?
Here’s what would happen if I were a doctor…
Me: Describe to me how much pain you feel based on our little diagram here.
Patient: Definitely a ten. I’m in excruciating pain.
Me: Seriously? You can’t imagine any pain worse than what you’re feeling right now?
Patient: No, not at all.
Me: Are you sure? Have you tried?
Patient: Tried what? What are you talking about? I’m in excruciating pain here!
Me: I know you’re in pain, but it just seems to me that if you tried you could probably imagine pain worse than what you’re experiencing right now.
Patient: No, I don’t think so. I feel like cutting my head off I’m in so much pain.
Me: what about paper cutting your eye ball?
Patient: NO!
Me: Ok, how about shoving chopsticks in your ears? Or what if you took a cheese grater to your face until you died. Would that be worse?
Patient: You’re sick.
Me: But I’m right?
Patient: No, just sick.
Me: Ok, fine then, what if you got flipped inside out like an umbrella, or had to chew on sand until your teeth fell out? Or what if you had to get an iv on your kneecap before a big race. Oh, or how about if you were trying to stop the elevator from closing but when you stuck your arm out it didn’t stop and it pinched your arm really really hard?
Patient: You’re not only sick, but you’re an idiot. Can I see a different doctor?
Me: Not until this is resolved damn it! What if you tripped and fell down a flight of marble stairs, but in the process you spilt the coffee you were holding all over a person at the bottom of the stairs, and then that person proceeds to pay you back by ripping all of your finger and toe nails off and then grating fresh lemon zest all over them to boot?! What about that Mr. I’m In The Most Pain Ever?
Patient: You know what? This exchange with you is beginning to be the most painful of my life. I’m leaving now.
Me: Would you say that it’s the worst pain imaginable? ‘Cause if so I don’t think you have enough imagination.
Thats why I’m not a doctor…that and the medical bills…and the lancing of puss filled things and shots, I don’t like shots…but thats about it.
Here's my thing. If the pain you are expercing is the worst pain you have expercienced than that would be the worst pain you could imangine. Right? At least that is what I think. Because I really don't know how painful chesse grading my face would feel, all I know is how much pain I am in right now.
I don't trust those things. When I had strep, that was the worst pain I could imagine. But, I can't imagine the pain of The Ring Of Fire (you know the one of which I speak), so…. to me, having a sore throat is a 10. and everytime i am sick, that's a 10. Lady Pains: 10. migrane: 15. my back right now at this very moment: 8.seeing Britney's big fat veiny bald head: 9. Not having Anna Nicole around:1.
See, you guys break the whole system! Now when cheese grated face man comes into the ER and says he's a 10, they're like "throw him over there with the girl with the sore throat."Think of cheese grated face man, think of him and maybe then you can realize that it's just a matter of developing your sympathy…or is it empathy?…or is it bs?
The greatest "pain chart" experience I had was after my brother, Andy, had a screw put in his foot. He overheard the nurse say that they wouldn't release him until he could put weight on the foot and say that the pain did not exceed a 7. About an hour after surgery he stood on his foot, looked the nurse in the eye, and said, "I feel like it is around a 6 or so." The nurse responded, "Great! I'll get the papers so you can go home." As soon as she left the room, Andy collapsed in pain (clinching his foot), looked up at me and said, "Dude, I need to get the hell out of here…can you help me get back up on the bed." We left 15 minutes later. Apparently, some people don't like hospitals.p.s. he almost overdosed on pain killers that night.
As someone who has run in a couple of races, I'd like to say after reading this:an iv on your kneecap before a big racethat, you are sick.
someday i hope that i can have an iv on MY knee cap before a race because that will mean that I am actually in good enough shape to be in a race. Who cares if i have an iv on my knee cap… I'll be able to flex my back and in the grand scheme of things, THAT, my cheese grater faced friends, is all that matters.
i think it should be known that i laughed out loud while reading this post…i laughed hard, but charles is sleeping so it was muffled. i am still laughing…but you should never "grate fresh lemon zest" on anyone. thats sick. fresh springy but sick.
You forgot to mention the difference in people's personal rating system:What if a papercut on they eyeball is a 9 for you but only a 5 for me? (I once had a cornea infection where my eyeballs were bleeding – no joke: not fun, but I think a papercut on my eye would be less painful).If you ask one woman to rate childbirth, she may say 10, while another would say 7 or even 3 (if she was drugged up).What about age and experience? I'm positive that whatever Jones rates a 10 would be far less on my scale, just because I've been around longer and experienced more pain.I've got a pretty active imagination and I've watched some pretty gory movies in my life time – I think I could ALWAYS thing of something worse than just about anything. How would that effect the System?And what about mental and emotional pain? Would this scale still work? Which is more of a a 10: getting kicked in the crotch while getting a tattoo in your armpit and wearing a shirt made of fire ants; or finding out that your parents actually stole you out of a Safeway and never gave birth to you?This is one of those blogs that will stick with you for weeks! How am I going to concentrate on work now?!
see, all the times I have been asked this question….and it's been a few…I typically say 5 or 6. I can imagine some prety bad pain, but on the other hand getting your butt cheek ripped open on the cleat of a boat or 2nd degree burns on the entire palm of your had is painful, but not all that bad. So, I figure, when my knee cap is sticking out the front of my knee or 3rd degree burns on my entire arm and neck and face, yeah, it hurts, but it's not the worst imaginable, but it's definetly worse than a few stitches. In conclusion, I think the whole scale thing is worthless.
…and how long has the pain been going on? If you suffered the exact level of pain for a week straight, wouldn't you rate it higher on day 7 then on say 1?What time of the day is it? I'm much more of a baby if I wake up in pain vs. having the pain start after lunch. And then I get less tollerant again closer to bed time.Why is it only 1 to 10? Wouldn't a scale from 1 to 20 be more accurate? Can you use decimals or fractions? "My pain today is a 6.875253, but if nothing changes in an hour it will be 6.875289 increasing 0.00073 per hour as we get closer to bedtime." Then what would the Doctor say???I think I need to steal this blog topic for my MySpace….
I had a docter have the opposite reaction. Doc: "So, on a scale of one to ten, one being no pain at all and ten the worst pain that you can imagine, where are you?"Me: "Seven."Doc: "You just fell off a cliff, your arm has been dislocated for several hours and was just put back into socket, it didn't go in until the fourth try, and I can see the bone in each of your legs through the holes caused by the accident, AND we can't give you morphine because your blood pressure is too low . . . and you think that is only a SEVEN?!Me: "You should have seen me an hour ago."
And what if it's progressive pain events? What if each new trip to the doctor was a more painful event than the last trip?It's a sore throat.Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.Doc: It's strep.Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.Doc: It's fire ants.Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.Doc: It's a migrane. Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.Doc: It's a bolt in your foot.Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.Doc: It's a paper cut.Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.Doc: It's a large needle in your kneecap.Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.Doc: It's an eyeball hemorrage.Me: This is the WORST! It's a 10.So what did the doctor learn about the kind of pain I am in? Nothing! He may have discovered, however, that I am very clumsy.
lol. that was funny.(i dont really have a comment, i just like to read these and laugh alot.)
this is the WORST! It's a 10.awesome.who rocks the blog?Kdub rocks the blog.well… as commenting goes, anyways…
ok. I'm now going to share something embarassing with you. Before I do,I have to share also that I may have realized this at an earlier time, and just forgot about it.Here goes:I just realized that Kaydub is not Kevin's gangsta name. It's the letter Kay and DUB-eleue. I. am. awesome.
You are awesome, Arwen, because it took me a whole minute reading your comment over and over to figure out what you were talking about and I finally get it! How many people get to say they fell off a cliff? That's what I'd like to know!Why did I also not know exactly how painful an iv in the knee cap is. I.am.clueless.
I fell over a cliff once … but I died. Bummer.
This blog entry, Ry, was the highlight of my week. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm still smiling actually. Thanks.