I had a conversation with some friends last night concerning His Needs, Her Needs. It’s a book written by a Christian author who is trying to help marriage partners meet eachothers needs. Sounds simple enough I guess. I’ve actually never read the book. My understanding is that the author has interviewed one billion men and one billion women to find out what each sexs states is their most important needs.
The needs for men are:
sexual fulfillment
recreational companionship
an attractive spouse
domestic support
admiration
The needs for women are:
affection
conversation
honesty
financial support
family commitment
I think when people read those lists most will think that they make sense. But I would suggest that those lists are severely distorted by a few possible mistakes.
*Make a mental note that I’ve never read the book, that I’m not trying to be well rounded here and that I’m not a Dr. of any kind*
We started talking about this book ‘case a friend of mine was filling in as a teacher at a Christian school. He was commissioned to talk about marriage (kind of funny ’cause he’s single). When those needs were read off all of the girls in the class were amazed to see how superficial men are. Aperently all men want is a hot houslcleaner who plays golf and has sex with them! Can this really be true? Is this what men are really and truly looking for? Don’t get me wrong if I could do anything at any point in the day it would be to have sex with my wife, but is that my number one need? My assertion is that it cannot be. Sex is only good when it is in the context of a healthy and loving relationship. Anything else is masturbation (whether a woman is used or not). Therefore it must be assumed that for a man to want sex (really good sex) then there must first be honesty, affection, commitment, and all that other crap. I would also suggest that maybe the results of those studies show not what men and women need most, but rather what part of their body they are most in tune with. Men are more in tune with their body and women are more in tune with their emotions. Therefore when you ask a man what his needs are he immediately goes that route. But it is not accurate.
Furthermore if one of mans greatest needs is a hot wife (attractive spouse) then every man will be sorely disappointed ’cause everyone gets old, wrinkly, and smells of formaldehyde. Beauty is fleeting right? And as many people know, who love a spouse, physical beauty changes. Someone becomes a whole lot more beautiful when you find out that they are beautiful inside. A woman is never more beautiful than when she’s gained forty pounds and is carrying your baby in her belly. That is beauty. It is a combination of so much more than a gorgeous smile, size D cups, and long legs.
Society tries to make us believe lies. I believe that the five needs listed by men in His Needs, Her Needs represent a few lies that we have bought into. The one thing that I think is hands down, dead on accurate on the mens list is admiration. Read Wild at Heart and you’ll understand more of what I think. Men desire admiration more than anything else. People in general desire it, but men more specificity need it. They need to know that they’re worth it. That they are good enough. That they can provide well. That they are a man. That they are strong. That they love well. That they can win a woman.
Everyone is getting divorced (about 50% of all marriages end that way). I’m not saying that men are always the problem, but I’m also not going to be ignorant enough to try to speak on behalf of the ladies. But shouldn’t it not be surprising when four of mens top needs are 100% sure to leave at some point! I mean sex will get bad. We will get ugly. The house will get dirty. Bingo will become our leasure activity whether we want it or not. Beauty, sex, domestic stuff, and leasure activities will all get screwy, we don’t have a choice. It’s life. If we think those are our most important needs then it makes sense that there is a lot of divorce. I know it’s so much more complicated than that, but there must be some hint of truth to it, it only makes sense!
This post is getting too long. I should probably read this book before I bash it…but..well, I think it’s a good discussion anyway. Here are my final thoughts: Lets not let men off the hook. Lets not let them think that they can ‘need’ only a beautiful wife, a housecleaner, sex, and a golfing buddy. Sure we may be more inclined to desire those sorts of things, but that is not best. What is best (in Dr. Ryan’s opinion) is mutual respect, honor, honesty, affection, admiration, commitment, love, etc. Those are things that marriage needs, that men need. It may be somewhat unnatural, but maybe marriage is a choice that must be made every single day. A choice to do all those things that come unnaturally. And then…then…out of that beautiful relationship you will find your wife to be the most beautiful person you’ve ever laid eyes on. Then…sex will be better than you even imagined possible. Then…her interest will be more interesting to you (and visa versa).
PS I love my hot, housecleaning, game playing wife.
I think it's unfortunate that you are so healthy, Ry. And I mean that. Your parents did a pretty good job with you guys. But, like the book, I didn't really read your blog. I'm kidding. I did. I think that before a person is married, they think that they know what they want. I wanted (physically speaking) a tall muscley guy with green eyes who was artsy. What I got is a short "skinny" guy with hazle eyes who was a wrestler. Imagine if you didn't know Jess– ever. I think that your wants in a wife would probably be different from what she is. I'm saying that once you get married, or find the person that you know you want to marry, your "perfect spouse" changes. Once the wonderfulness of marriage wears off (you know.. the innital shock of it, I mean) you realize that the stuff that you used to think mattered, doesn't really matter. I don't care if my husband is hot (but I'm pretty glad that he is) and I don't think he cares that I golf (but I'm pretty sure he's glad that I do). I guess as a relationship ages/ grows, your ideal spouse changes too. So I guess I think the book is crap too. We want a hot husband just as much as guys want a hot wife.
I am a pretty lucky girl, huh?
We tried to read the book, before we got married, so that we would be prepared and know how to please each other and have the perfect marriage. Well, we made it half way through. Rolo had a problem with it too, becaue it basically was saying the men aren't able to have a meaningful relationship beyond those phyicallities. Overall, what we read made sense and we could see how it would benefit a couple, but you have to read it understanding that every individual person, man or woman is different. And one list cannot speak to everyone. So, I think its helpful in thining about what your needs are, and helping your spouse understand how to meet them, not necessarily only meet the needs the author says are there. Marriage is so not what i expected, i have learned so much about Rolo that i never knew when I married him, which is scary to me, but luckily they are all good things so im glad he isnt an axe murderer. Anyways, the longer i am married the more my priority becomes to meet his needs, at any personal expense, and I know Rolo feels the same. So we have a healthy marriage because have all the things Dr. Ryan says should be in a marriage, and put that above all else (except God). And Im still shocked that he would marry me, I am completely unworthy to be his wife.
Um I like most of your post and especially the idea that sex outside of relationship is nothing but masterbation. But anyway I'm not sure expectations at all are healthy in relationships. Okay well that was a little much but in general just trying to help your wife or husband get through the day is pretty good.
Hey! Look Everybody!!! The Man is back!!!!
You are wise beyond your years, Ryan.I could say alot more but…I would embarrass you know who and I promised I wouldn't do that
Yes Ryan, you are wise around your ears.I don't know that I agree with the idea of reading a book before you bash on it . . . the last time I did that, I had to read an awful book that everyone loves, by a man who misused scripture every time he refrenced it. That's right, I read The Purpose Driven Church, and I've regretted it ever since, even if it was a class assignment. Of course, most of my problem with the book was his attempt to make his argument look scriptural when it was not, rather than with the content itself, which was only mildly objectionable. Nothing chafes my hide more than people claiming to speak for God and then twisting and mutilating scripture to make it sound like God is saying what they want to hear (see my current post).
So, I have read His Need,Her Needs and, in fact, have done the whole program. Along with the problems you have brought up, I find a problem in the "love bank" idea which states that if spouses will keep the other's love bank full, they won't go looking for some other person to fill them up. The concept of meeting Ben's needs is realistic and I want to be a servant and be Jesusu to him. the problem comes when I am only focused on the fact that Ben is not meeting my needs. Do I have permission to be fulfilled somewhere else? The answer is "no". I know that I should identify what speaks love to my spouse, but I prefer ideas of a different book, Families Where Grace Is In Place.I don't want whether my needs are being met to determine how my relationship turns out. I want our relationship to be full of grace and mercy. Let's just be like Jesus. If you haven't read the book, it's very useful. And, perhaps, even The Five Love Languages is a different outlook on basic needs… Take what you will from that…I have a hard time with focusing on anything but denying self. It's opposite what the world preaches but that's how I want to try and live my life… I don't, but I want to!
eric and i read the book, and it was ok, but the one thing it did for us was made us look at ourselves and be able to tell the other person what exactly what we needed from each other. there have been many times that when we realize that things would be better in an instant if we were purposefully making an effort to meet each others needs, as opposed to our own. the people that i know who are getting divorced or the like, are those who are being selfish and not giving a crap about the other persons needs anymore. it has worked well since were as in love as ever. ps. eric is hot.
Even the subtitle on the book "building an affair proof marriage" sounds terrible to me. Is that the motivation we are to have in meeting eachothers needs? Do I please Jessica so that she won't leave me? If that were true marriage would really suck balls (and I dont' mean that litteraly).
Luke and I never read the book, but we did go to a pre-marital councelor who was way into the book and had us take these quizes and such about our top 5 needs. It was helpful, but almost two years later… I don't really know if it's been THAT helpful!I like the 5 love languages book, the book Love and Respect (read it right now!) and the book, When Two Become One. Now those are good marriage books!!They go with what JEn was saying, being Jesus to each other. Being more concerned about Kingdom stuff that going through a check list of,"have I done this, this and this for Luke today?" And then realizing that he didn't do that, that and that for me. It only = a fight! Too mush selfish intent and too much "works" stuff!The heart of marriage lies in making sure that Christ is the center, and out of reverence and submittion to God… our marriages florish and stay "hot" im MANY WAYS!There are good things to learn in stopping and re-evaluating whether or not you ARE being Jesus to your spouse. Whether needs are being met, and talking when a part of you feels empty. But the ultimate goal is Kingdom stuff! God made us to praise Him and to tell others about him! Our families are our first ministry… so that God is praised, and others may come to know JEsus as THEIR Lord and Savior!(Sorry if I sound a little 'soap-box-ish'. I'm just very passionate about perspective. Not perfect, just passionate!
I also like the 5 Love languages… the only issue i have with that book is that rolo tries to use it against me, like saying his love language is to annoy me. I try to explain to him.. "you are supposed to speak my language not your language." but it never works… he still annoyes me (like put cold cokes on him bare feet, or throwing the nice warm covers off the bed when im nice and cozy… ugh..he is so mean. He says thats how he says he loves me. But I put up with it, cause like Ryan said I dont want him to leave me and apparently thats the purpose for marriage (insert sarcasm mark here, i still don't know how to do it!)
"Therefore it must be assumed that for a man to want sex (really good sex) then there must first be honesty, affection, commitment, and all that other crap."i love that you called it "crap"i didn't read the book either . . . because it seemed so selfish "these are my NEEDS!!! meet them!!!" or maybe it is just about service . . .my favorite book concerning things along these lines is "families where grace is in place."
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